Unsure...

Being with a person for five years, of course the two of you make plans for the future. We thought of getting married on Memorial Day weekend. We had our kids' names all planned out. He converted me to Red Sox baseball, we wanted a Boston and Caroline. I know what kind of pets he wanted and what to name them even. Since that day, the only things that have not changed is I still have my dog (which he wanted me to get rid of because his parents didn't like him, and this might have to be another post later), and my intended major is the same. I hated the phrase "broken heart" before this. I didn't really imagine the pain that one could actually feel when you get abandoned. I cried for forever it seemed like. I threw myself into my classes, but had lost my interest in everything. I tried to numb myself by trying to shut down my emotions. Which with me being depressed did not help. But I do know that my heart was shattered. It felt like he pulled the rug out from underneath me. He just took everything from me. My plans and goals are no longer realistic, because they involved him. I can say at this point that I'm not mad at him. I feel like my broken heart is scabbed over and raw at this point. I don't hate him, but I hate the fact that it took the two of us 5 years to finally get to that point. I hate that we couldn't work over the bumps in the road. We both gave up. In my own opinion, he gave up first and I stubbornly clung on and tried to fix myself instead of seeing the ship sink. But I eventually gave up, too. Which is what needs to happen in some circumstances. So now... I just don't know. I don't know for sure where I'm going, what I'm doing. I'm thinking of moving, but realistically can't afford it. Not many colleges have my program, and I love most of the professors here. But it all feels for nothing at this point in time. This week I had listened to this song continuously. I can't help but hope that he's thinking this, but at the same time I don't want him to. I don't know what I would do if he suddenly showed up and wanted to come back.

Introduction

I've been told that writing is supposedly cathartic. We'll see how this goes. I am a student at University at this point, almost to my fourth year studying Bilingual Education. I have a dog that means the world to me, and he goes to college with me since I don't live on campus. In the beginning of the year, I had recently been dumped by my boyfriend of five years. We started to date in my junior year of high school, he was everything to me. We had difficulties with what each of us wanted in life, but I was sadly willing to change anything for him for the longest time. It wasn't until then that I was finally able to see that I was the only one willing to change for the sake of the relationship. The sad thing is, most of our 'friends' considered themselves more his friends than mine. So now I have lost almost all most my friends that I have made in college, so even though I have been in the city for three years I now have very few friends. Now I am pretty much alone, with my dog as a constant companion. So this is a year of changes, and I am going to document the recovery process. Before the breakup, I had been screened for depression. I had told him about it at about the time of the breakup, but he didn't seem to take my need for help with this into consideration. He said he felt like crap for what he was thinking, but he still left me for a taller, bustier, and prettier girl. My family is there for me, but only my father knows that I have depression. So as of right now, my depression has been steadily there, and the ache I feel comes and goes. I am going to move on someday, but it is definitely going to take me a long time. This is enough of an introduction for now, hopefully I will remember to continue with this.